How Reassurance Seeking Can Make Anxiety Worse

You look down and notice that the tiny freckle on your arm seems to be a little bigger than it used to be.  Then you start to worry about what that might mean and before you know it your thoughts have gone down a rabbit hole of possibilities. 

Now your heart is pounding, and WebMD doesn’t seem to be helping.  So, you decide to ask your friend, “You don’t think this mole might be cancer, do you?”  Naturally, she immediately reassures you, “Of course not!  Stop worrying about it.”

And suddenly your heart slows, your anxiety eases, and you feel a little better.  But then, what if…

And the cycle of anxiety and reassurance seeking continues.

While seeking reassurance can feel helpful, if you are dealing with problematic anxiety, then getting reassurance can actually feed into this cycle and make your anxiety worse in the long run.

What Reassurance Seeking Looks Like

Reassurance seeking can come in many different forms.  The most obvious is in the form of a question, usually related to whatever you tend to get anxious about.  Some examples might look like:

• “Do you think Sally is mad at me?”
• “Do you think my chest pain could be a heart attack?”
• “Do you think this is safe?”
• “Is everything going to be okay?”
• “Do you love me?”
• “Are you sure?”

Sometimes instead of asking a question you might make a statement or bring up a topic in an attempt to get a reassuring response.  For instance:

• Repeatedly saying, “I love you,” and waiting expectantly for the same response
• Saying, “I’m sure it will be okay,” hoping that they will agree with you
• Saying, “My exam tomorrow is supposed to be super hard,” expecting them to tell you that you’ll do fine

Reassurance seeking can also come in the form of body language or non-verbal communication.  For example:

• You sigh loudly, looking for them to tell you it’s all going to be okay
• You put your head down on the table in the hopes that they’ll ask you what’s wrong

The Cycle of Reassurance

Here’s how the cycle of reassurance works:

1. Something triggers your anxiety – this could be anything from a thought to a place to an activity to a TV commercial.
2. You start feeling anxious and worrying about this thing and so you ask for reassurance – this could be from a parent, a partner, a friend, or really anyone.
3. In order to help you feel better and stop worrying, they reassure you.
4. You feel better!  But only momentarily…
5. Then the doubt creeps back in – maybe they didn’t hear you correctly, or maybe they didn’t consider this other factor when they reassured you, or maybe…

And now you’re right back where you started.  Anxious, uncertain, and feeling the need to be reassured yet again.

Here’s a downloadable handout of this cycle for us visual learners:

How Reassurance Hurts Us

In a way, reassurance is like an addiction.  A little bit of reassurance can feel good, but the feeling doesn’t last, and eventually you need more and more reassurance to get that same feeling back.

You can also think of reassurance as a bottomless pit that can never actually be filled.  You will never get “enough” reassurance to feel permanently satisfied.

Constant reassurance can also make it harder for us to trust our own judgement and make us feel more dependent on others.  On the flip side, loved ones can often become irritated if reassurance seeking becomes more frequent.

In the long run, reassurance can actually get us more stuck in our anxiety and reinforce our brain’s fear of our anxiety triggers.  Because if it wasn’t dangerous, we wouldn’t need to ask about it…right?

What to Do Instead of Getting Reassurance

So now that we know that reassurance can actually make your anxiety worse, what do we do instead?

First, make sure everyone is on the same page.  Think about who you tend to ask for reassurance from the most and see if they are open to talking to you about it.

You can explain what reassurance is and how it hurts you (you can use the visual from above, if that’s helpful).  Then, let them know that they can actually help you by not answering these reassurance questions.

The ultimate goal is to not ask the reassurance questions in the first place, but until you reach that goal it can be helpful for your loved one to help you by not giving you the reassurance when you do ask for it.

If it’s your loved one who struggles with anxiety, then see if they’re open to talking to you about reassurance. If they aren’t, then this can be a lot trickier, but it’s still doable. The goal is still to not give the reassurance whenever possible.

If you are the parent of a child who struggles with reassurance seeking, you can check out this article How to Address Excessive Reassurance Seeking for some helpful tips on this process.

Once everyone is on the same page, you can each try to decrease the reassurance seeking and the reassurance giving.

Depending on how extreme the reassurance seeking has become, you can start with giving yourself a daily reassurance budget. For example, you can have no more than 3 reassurances per day.

You can choose the budget based on where you are now and how frequently you tend to seek reassurance. Then gradually reduce your budget over time until you’ve reached 0 (hurray!).

Sometimes it can be helpful to use a physical object (such as coins or tickets), so that everyone can keep track.  Be sure to reward yourself for your hard work when you meet your goals (Jamba Juice, anyone?).

Reassurance Seeking vs. Information Seeking

It’s normal to seek information about things that we genuinely don’t know.  It’s important for your loved ones not to assume that every question you ask them is a reassurance question, even if you have problem anxiety.

This handout on Distinguishing Information Seeking and Reassurance Seeking can be an excellent place to start if you’re not sure how to differentiate the two. 

It can also be useful to identify which topics you tend to seek reassurance about and then take those topics off the table for a while.

If your loved one isn’t sure in the moment if a question you’ve asked is reassurance seeking or information seeking, then they can ask you, “Is this a reassurance question?” or “Is that your anxiety talking?”  If you want something a little less obvious, you can also pick a code word, like “Bananas.”

If you are still not sure if your question is reassurance seeking or not, ask yourself, “If I did not get the answer to this question right now, would I feel anxious?” If the answer yes, then it’s most likely a reassurance question.

If you’re still not sure, use a delay tactic. Delay getting your answer by 5, 10, or 15 minutes. If you feel anxious waiting, then you have your answer – that was a reassurance question. If no anxiety comes up while you’re waiting, then you can go back and get your answer.

Short-Term Pain for Long-Term Gain

Many of the families that I have worked with have described cutting out reassurance as one of the hardest things they have ever done.  Reassurance can become both constant and sneaky. 

Learning to recognize and break this pattern usually comes with some growing pains.

Building awareness is always the first step, and often comes with many missteps (even therapists will sometimes give reassurance without meaning to!).

Remember that it’s normal for you to feel more anxious in the moment when you resist getting reassurance.  But over time, the less reassurance you get, the less you’ll feel like you need reassurance, and the less anxious you will feel in general. 

Eventually, you will find that you will be able to trust yourself more and your relationships may improve as your interactions become less focused on your anxiety.

One Piece of the Puzzle

Not getting reassurance is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to problematic anxiety.

Working on breaking other patterns that are maintaining your anxiety will be equally important, along with working on taking care of your mental health in general.

Also, while this entire article has been about how harmful reassurance can be, not all reassurance is bad.  If someone is having a vulnerable moment, sometimes a little reassurance can go a long way.  Just don’t fall down the rabbit hole!

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As a reminder, this blog post is not intended as professional counseling or clinical advice. This article is meant to provide you with some helpful information how to break the unhelpful cycle of reassurance seeking.  If you are struggling with your mental health, I encourage you to consider reaching out for additional support, professional or otherwise.

-Kristel Roper, LMFT, LPCC

Kristel Roper is a licensed psychotherapist offering therapy services to individuals in the Sacramento area.  She specializes in therapy for anxiety and OCD and especially enjoys working with young adults as they navigate the challenges of college, career, and beyond.  If you have a question for Kristel or are interested in therapy for yourself or your loved one, feel free to reach out.

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