5 Things to Do (and 3 Not to Do) When Your Loved One Has a Panic Attack

Panic attacks can be triggered by a buildup of stress, a particular experience, or may even just come out of the blue.  When your loved one has a panic attack—whether that’s your child, your partner, your friend, or anyone else that you care about—it can be a scary, confusing, and overwhelming experience.

If your loved one has ever had a panic attack, it can often feel like there is no right way to respond.  You may feel like it’s an emergency or even be tempted to call 911.

The good news is, panic attacks are not an emergency and there are steps you can take to support your loved one while they let the anxiety dissipate (and it will!).  We’ll start with talking about 3 things NOT to do and then 5 things that you can do if your loved one has a panic attack.

What NOT to Do If Your Loved One Has a Panic Attack

1. Minimize what they are experiencing

While we know that panic attacks are not an emergency, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t extremely uncomfortable and difficult to experience.  Minimizing might sound like:

• “You’re fine.”
• “Suck it up.”
• “Get over it.”

These kinds of statements can make the person feel even worse and discounts how emotionally painful panic attacks can be.

2. Give false reassurance or comfort

While it can be incredibly tempting, try not to give your loved one false comfort or reassurance.  This might sound like:

• “Everything will be OK.”
• “You have nothing to worry about.”
• “Nothing bad will happen.”

While statements like this may seem to be helpful and make your loved one feel less worried in the moment, they are only a temporary fix and can actually make anxiety worse in the long-run.  Not to mention, you don’t actually know the future and therefore this is a false promise.

3. Help them avoid or “escape” the situation

Unless your loved one is in truly dangerous circumstances, it is not a good idea to help them avoid or “escape” the situation.  Like reassurance, avoidance can feed the anxiety in the long-run and reinforce the fear that your loved one is experiencing.

Over time, avoidance and “escaping” teaches your loved one that they can’t handle things independently or that they need others to do things for them.  This can hinder their confidence and lead to other struggles, such as depression.

What to Do If Your Loved One Has a Panic Attack

1. Stay calm

The most important thing that you can do is to stay calm.  Anxiety can feed anxiety, and if your reaction is to panic as well, this will only make the situation worse. 

Keep your voice low and soft.  Move slowly and deliberately, rather than running around to accomplish things.

By staying calm, you model for your loved one that they are safe and that you are available for them if they need you.  Displaying a calm appearance, even if you feel differently on the inside, can help them start to feel calm, too.

2. Meet them where they are at

Meet your loved one where they are at, both physically and emotionally.  If they are sitting or lying down, ask them if it’s okay if you sit with them.  You can even lie down next to them if that’s comfortable for both of you.

Try not to ask your loved one too many questions or give them complicated requests.  When someone is having a panic attack, their brain is in survival mode (i.e., fight-flight-freeze).  It can be very difficult to take in new information or follow complicated instructions.

If they are in an unsafe situation (for instance, in the middle of the street), try to guide them to a safe place.  Otherwise, let them be where they are.  Remember that treating the situation like an emergency that they have to escape from can actually reinforce their fear.

3. Offer them physical presence

This might look like rubbing your loved one’s back, holding their hand, giving them a hug, or just sitting quietly next to them.  This can help ground your loved one and help them to feel safe (especially young children).

Physical touch or presence can be comforting for someone who is panicking, but never assume that this is what someone wants or needs.  Remember to ask for consent first and not to force anything.  If your loved one refuses or doesn’t answer, then honor the boundary that they are setting and give them space.  Obviously, the amount and kind of space may differ, depending on your relationship and the developmental level of your loved one.

And again, remember that panic attacks are not an emergency, and while these things can be soothing, they are not necessary.  Sometimes the most helpful thing that you can do for someone is to leave the room.

4. Acknowledge how hard and scary this feeling is

Panic attacks, while not dangerous or life-threatening, can feel incredibly scary.  The intense physical sensations along with the feelings of dread or doom are overwhelming and not fun, to say the least. 

One of the most powerful things you can do for your loved one is let them know that you understand that this is not easy.  Validate how they are feeling in that moment (scared, overwhelmed, or terrified, for example).  Try not to assume that you know exactly what they are feeling and be open to correction. 

You can say something like, “It seems like you’re feeling super overwhelmed right now, is that right?”  Or if panic attacks are more familiar to you both, you can acknowledge the challenge that they are experiencing by saying something like, “I know this really sucks for you right now.”

Feel free to use your own words, and know that you don’t have to say something profound or the “perfect” thing for it to be meaningful.

5. Encourage them to use helpful strategies if they can

If your loved one is ready for this, there are several simple things that they can do to help them calm down faster.

First, have them relax their body physically.  This might start with sitting down and relaxing back, if that’s possible.  Pacing can actually increase your anxiety as it can make you feel trapped, so sitting down or going for a walk are both better options.

Have your loved one drop their shoulders, unclench their jaw, and relax their hands.  By relaxing their muscles, this tells their body and their brain that they are safe and that there is nothing to be afraid of.

Second, have them slow down their breathing.  See if they can breathe in slowly and then breathe out even slower.  There are several different relaxation breathing exercises, such as 4-7-8 breathing, that can help their body move towards calm.

Third, see if they can get out of their head and bring themselves back to the moment.  There are lots of helpful exercises that can help with this, such as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise.  In this exercise, you ask your loved one to identify 5 things they can see, 4 things they can feel, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell, and 1 thing they can taste and then share them out loud with you.  This can help to ground them in reality and feel safe again.

Finally, remind them (and yourself) that what goes up must come down.  Anxiety will eventually dissipate on its own. 

Our bodies are not designed to sustain extremely high levels of anxiety (i.e., panic) for longer than about 30 minutes.  Most panic attacks last 10 minutes or less, although this may feel like an eternity at the time!  You can remind your loved one that they don’t have to force the anxiety to go down, they just have to ride out the wave.

Witnessing a Loved One Panic is Hard

When a loved one has a panic attack, it can feel overwhelming for you, too. Remember to go easy on yourself! I hope that this article has been helpful for anyone who is struggling with what to do to support their loved one when they are experiencing a panic attack.  Let me know what strategies have been helpful for you or your loved one in the comments.

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As a reminder, this blog post is not intended as professional counseling or clinical advice. This article is meant to provide you with some helpful tips for coping if your loved one has a panic attack.  If you are struggling with your own mental health, I encourage you to consider reaching out for additional support, professional or otherwise.

-Kristel Roper, LMFT, LPCC

Kristel Roper is a licensed psychotherapist offering therapy services to individuals in the Sacramento area.  She specializes in therapy for anxiety and OCD and especially enjoys working with young adults as they navigate the challenges of college, career, and beyond.  If you have a question for Kristel or are interested in therapy for yourself or your loved one, feel free to reach out.

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